I held a Bodysex circle in Toronto earlier this month, and it was powerful for many reasons, but the biggest one I think, was the orgasmic tailwind of my time together with 44 other Bodysex facilitators, sex educators, and my teachers at Menla Retreat Centre. Thank you Carlin for bringing us all together to celebrate Betty’s 90th birthday. It gave me so much.
So, Bodysex Toronto. August 3 and 4, 2019. Here are my notes:
9 of us gathered in a gorgeous industrial artist studio with 18’ ceilings and massive windows. The warmest light poured through all weekend. I stopped many times to look around and soak up the scene. I felt like I was in a portal of angels.
Day 1 was incredible. It felt like sisterhood immediately. Several women helped me set up. As I put cookies on trays, and cherries in bowls, the women came in and took their clothes off. They were laughing and dancing, taking “before” pictures in front of a fan.
The circle started with some Breathwork, an intention, an acknowledgement of the bravery of everyone who showed up, and then we jumped right in.
There was one woman who hadn’t had partner sex before. Side note: “virgin” is a stupid made up thing and I am intentionally not using that word even though it is way easier. We come into our sexuality. We don’t “lose” anything. The politics of semantics aside, this woman inspired me all throughout the weekend. It became clear over and over again how many problems would be solved in the world if every woman was initiated by such a sacred safe circle as Bodysex before being sexual with others.
During genital show and tell this particular woman’s vulva and overall pussy were very shy. This was frustrating her a bit. It was hard to see everything, as it seemed like the structures were literally trying to hide. We laughed together at her inner labia clapping themselves shut. Erika, from Montreal was assisting me, and she brought up how this woman’s pussy was giving her signals. And if she listened to her body, even if the messages aren’t want she wanted, that her body would feel safe enough to open up eventually, over time. We encouraged her to go really slow, to take time with penetration and even take the pressure for penetration off the table, all together. It was amazing to see the relief of not needing to be different. The relief of being able to trust our bodies, and to not push past is reassuring. To know that there is nothing wrong. No where we need to rush off to.
That theme, of nothing being wrong, continued throughout genital show and tell. Not one vulva alike. All of them perfect in their own right.
There was one genital show and tell that stood out for me from the weekend. I was feeling some major apprehension from this woman the moment she sat down next to me in the hot seat (it truly is very warm, partly from the literal spotlight on your pussy, and partly because of nerves. We did some vocal toning together as a group to relax her into the space. When she did eventually relax and was ready to display her vulva; well, oddly enough, we all fell in love. In a way I have never witnessed in any other circle before. We literally worshipped her vulva. In every sense of the word. Pure adoration. We all felt we were in the presence of a goddess pussy. It was amazing how she softened. Her intention for the workshop was to shed some body shame she had been carrying with extra weight she had acquired over the past few years. It is incredible to me how Bodysex gives space for women to receive support and validation they sometimes didn't even know they needed. Such a powerful framework for us to help each other as sisters. It felt effortless. Women’s love and support is healing.
I wrapped up genital show and tell with a special cervix show and tell via a plastic speculum and flashlight that we got from a local midwife. I showed the women how speculums worked and how to insert them themselves without pain. I encouraged to bring agency to their next pap smear by asking to insert it themselves. Most of the women had never seen a cervix before and mine gave them quite a show. There was whole lot of hilarious awkward maneuvering, trying to find it. It was being a total trickster, coming in almost completely sideways from the right. It was cool to show women that as a facilitator and a woman who has been trained in giving pap smears, and have even felt cervixes dilate under my own fingers in labouring women, that even with all that experience, that I, too, can still be mystified by my own ever fluctuating anatomy. That regardless of our experience levels, our bodies, and most certainly our most vulnerable parts demand our patience, persistence and gentle listening.
Before erotic recess, I guided them through breast massage with the most luscious oil. We practiced the art of seeking with our hearts and giving with our hands. Simultaneous giving and receiving inside their own bodies. It was as if they were learning to fuck energetically before they even had their hands on their pussies. It opened the space beautifully. Then we moved to erotic dance, and tried on the art of seducing ourselves. What does it mean to turn ourselves on slowly? How would we dance for a lover? It was beautiful to see their erotic expression.
I had the women spread out across the whole space for erotic recess. I kicked off erotic recess with my own orgasm. I owned it in a way I haven't before. I came standing up, clinging to the window ledge, my feet barely touching the floor. My ass clenching so hard, I almost hung from the ledge. I watched myself turn inward as I was about to orgasm. I wanted to push this edge, so I opened my eyes and peered out past the curtain of hair that was covering my face. I wanted to let myself be seen. Just a little bit more. To tell myself I am worthy of that. That my self expression is a gift. Sounds left my body that haven't escaped in a long time.
I took a few moments to bask in the energy, then I made myself available to help each of the women throughout recess, and wow wow wow.
I spent time with each woman. I helped one woman discover her cervix. This was particularly interesting for me as a facilitator. Her finger was on her cervix and she wanted me to confirm that she was in the right spot. I was happy to help her out but I wanted to make sure that this wasn’t me, with all my pussy authority telling her about her body. I wanted this to be an empowering experience for her. So I added another element of listening. Beyond listening to her words, I wanted to hear something deeper: what her body was saying. I am so glad I did this. Because her body was saying hell fucking no do I want you to throw your finger inside me all the way to my cervix without any previous interaction. She had been after cervical orgasms for a couple of years now. As I sat beside her, gloved hand resting on her leg, chatting about what we were about to do, she already began to see saw how rough and abrupt she had been with trying to find it. My own tenderness and patience showed her a new way to relate to her cervix. One of listening. She was into it. And so, like all the other rituals of Bodysex, a new ceremony was born.
I took my time connecting with her vulva first and doing some breathing together to make sure her body was fully on board with this discovery process. Once inside, I noticed how she was actually scratching her cervix in her search to find it. She didn’t realized because it was so numbed out. I guided her into connecting to more subtle sensation. We did some pussy breathing (so so cool feeling how the breath enters that space simply with the intention of sending it there, and feeling how her whole vagina and cervix softened around my finger). Then we did some sound healing, I did some reiki on her cervix, and did some de-armouring work, too. It was incredible to hold space for her to truly listen to and honour her body.
Another woman had felt disconnected from her pussy for many years. She felt like getting off required too much work, so she had sort of given up on self pleasure. I helped her breathe energy into her rock and roll method.... using the visualization of the suction fuck to flow her orgasmic energy through her pussy with her breath. The power of the rock and roll framework is truly remarkable. I am blown away every workshop. She began to truly feel the barbell inside of her within a couple of minutes. How incredible is that?
I participated in an impromptu energy sex workshop at the Bodysex retreat the week before with Barbara Carrellas. (You can check out her work here, she is incredible and her book Urban Tantra is profound). Anywho, I am so glad I did because what I learned in that little workshop came in super handy with the woman who hadn’t yet had partner sex. She seemed somewhat deflated halfway through erotic recess. She was masturbating in her usual way and her body wasn’t into it. So she was laying down, seemingly to take a break. It was interesting to sense how this wasn’t a post orgasm glow nap. This was the laying down of a sexually defeated woman. A woman who felt she only had one option, and when that wasn’t doing it for her, she wrote the whole thing off. I so related to this. I got her to sit up. This woman was so sweet and sensitive, I knew teaching her energy sex would be just the thing, so that is what I did. She loved it and was immediately energized back to life. I wonder how many woman give up on sex simply because they haven’t found the right flavour for themselves, or have a too limited repertoire for their varied (and very valid) physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
Group massage followed erotic recess and it was as beautiful as ever. We did 1 woman at a time. We sang songs to her with the crystal singing bowls as we massaged. A perfect wrap to a powerful weekend.
I am hosting my next circle November 2-3 in Hamilton, Ontario. It is already half filled. I am so excited. The evolution of this work is kind of mind boggling. It feels much bigger than me as a facilitator. I am honoured to co-create with every woman who shows up to the workshop, they are really the ones who push this work forward. Their trust in me is humbling to say the least.
Deep bows to Betty for her bravery. She started this work in the time of rotary phones, a time where it was much more controversial. You continue to inspire me to raise pleasure consciousness wherever I go, and give less fucks about whomever I might piss off in the process. Women need this. Heck, the world needs women who have done this. Thank you Carlin, for your patience and support of me as a facilitator. I wouldn’t be here without you.
yours in pleasure,