Pussy Power

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I recently had a booth at a wellness expo, and I was the only practitioner covering issues of sexuality. I loved every single conversation I got to have with people about their sex lives.

And it got me thinking that yes, intuition is so powerful, but we need some basic knowledge.

Did you learn about where your clitoris was in school? I sure didn't. Did you know that the clitoris as most people know it is the literal tip of the iceberg, and that women have almost as much erectile tissue as men? YUP, YUP, YUP. 

We have been suppressed for so long, we aren't even aware of our sexual organs and when we are erect. Crazy! And unfortunately, very common...

So let this little blog post be the beginning of the sex education you never had.

Here is my teacher, artist, and mother of masturbation, Betty, explaining female anatomy as she draws it. 

Can you imagine the difficulty of having an enjoyable time when your sexual curiosity was repressed/made wrong as a young person combined with no real education of the anatomy of the part of your body that makes you feel good? Yeah, that is what most adults are dealing with. No wonder we aren't having amazing sex. Pussy power starts with knowing what your pussy is made of, what it looks like, and what it can do.

After we get the anatomy, we have to understand that our unique-ness, our individuality is beautiful. Because we aren't educated appropriately (read: not told about our main pleasure organ), and nudity is so taboo, we are left with the only mainstream, easily accessible nudity out there: porn. Cookie cutter pussies. Did you know that labioplasty surgeries increased by 45% last year in the states? What. The. Fuck. And I see it all the time. People ashamed of their vulva. Self conscious. Not sure if they are "normal." Even apologizing for themselves. Ai, ai, ai. We need to feel proud of our genitals instead of ashamed. You can't feel ashamed and relaxed into pleasure at the same time. Well, you can try, but it gets messy.

This is a simple, yet powerful exercise I do with all of my clients: genital show and tell. I invite you to do it yourself. Grab a mirror, some good lighting, and some almond oil. Give your vulva some hand over hand massage with almond oil. And then take yourself on a little tour. Notice all the different structures, yes, and then go on to notice colour, shape, and lines of them just as if you were viewing a piece of art. Spend some time getting to know yourself. See if you can notice when your internal clitoris is becoming erect. Begin to identify new layers to being turned on. It's not just the head of the clitoris, there is a whole new world (sung in a little mermaid voice) to be explored. 

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Do you have questions about your body, about sex, about pleasure? I know you do. And hundreds of people probably have the same one! Please send them to me and I will answer them here on the blog. No question too small, no question too out there!

Lessons from Anxiety: How to Stop Freaking Out

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I have been holding on so tight.

I have forgotten that I have everything I need.

I can relax.

Relaxation is my joy.

And my joy is my genius, my gift to the world.

I can stop trying so hard.

I can stop relentlessly striving for better,

and decide I am enough right now.

 

It’s insane how provided for I am.

It’s even crazier how quickly I forget that.

 

Thank you for the provisions.

Thank you for the blessings.

Thank you for the challenges.

Thank you for the sobering anxiety.

Reminding me that there is no bad.

That it is my resistance, the drama, the story around “the bad” that makes it so painful.

A rejection of who I am.

 

I am learning to accept myself when I am an irrational mess of emotions.

I am learning to stop apologizing for grieving the death of the old versions of myself.

Learning to stop apologizing for the messiness of rebirthing.

I am strong enough to let old emotions [some of them not even my own] go.

Learning to let them move through me so that they are no longer taking up space in my head.

 

I promise to start praising myself for these releases.

I promise to stop making them bad.

They are my growth.

They are the old me shedding like a snake.

I should be reveling in my own resilience.

My metamorphosis.

 

Yet here I am, sad that it made a mess.

Like a frustrated mom, yelling at her kids for making a mess of the playroom.

Dear Lord, I will spend my whole life mad at myself for not holding it together, when really

I CAME HERE TO SHED. AND IT’S GOING TO BE MESSY SOMETIMES.

So, I may as well start seeing it as a good thing.

 

I can release the drama. The heaviness.

I can sit back, breathe and marvel at this out of body intuitive process my soul knows so well.

A remembering. A ritual. A dance of release.

Of transformation.

One that cannot be predicted or controlled.

 

I’m afraid of being judged. Of embarrassing myself.

And that fear is causing me much greater pain.

I’m keeping myself in a cage.

Choosing  isolation and shame over ease and freedom.

Not willing to risk of rejection.

 

This is the tough bit.

It seems my default setting is self oppression.

I must remind myself daily.

I am safe to be loudly, freely me,

and it will all be ok.

When I forget this, it gets dark quickly.

Trying to micromanage myself.

All in my head.

Not in the flow.

Scarcity everywhere.

Must strategize to get what is mine.

Nothing works out.

Everything seems shitty,

And then that feels so very permanent.

 

And then you see everyone else walking around like zombies, just like you and you wonder…

Oh fuck me shit shit shit.

This is just the way it is.

And all you see is darkness everywhere.

And then you feel very, very far away from believing there is a world of perfect flow where everything you want is downstream.

And you are 100% sure that you are most certainly NOT in that world.

 

And then something shifts.

It gets really bad. You pop. You loose it.

 

The smoke clears, and there you are again.

In a world where you remember that writing helps.

In a world where you remember that yoga helps.

That breathing and singing and laughing help.

That you are blessed beyond belief.

Oh yeah. Where was I?

What a wild world of contrasts.

Of temporary mother fucking contrasts disguised as the world’s most permanent conditions.

 

Whichever way you are viewing the world now, I am sending you love. I am sending you ease on the path to inevitable change.

Just know, that not one single person is immune to the darkness. Nope. Not one.

You are never alone. You are in good company.

 

Tell people how you really feel.

You might be surprised at how much that helps.

The people in your life are not there by accident.

They want to help you.

You are loved.

I love you.

 

We are here to help each other.

And in order to help each other, we need to be honest about not only our joys, but also our struggles.

I hope my struggles help you, even just a tiny bit.

Remember, we are all just walking each other home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's Time to Love Yourself

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Being kind to ourselves doesn't come naturally for most of us. Isn’t that too bad? That was feels instinctual and natural is to judge ourselves. That being an asshole (to ourselves) is second nature? I remember for the longest time, whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, I would check to make sure if I looked good enough. Always a deficit. But will it be good enough? Will they find out I’m not really pretty at all? That it’s makeup and flattering clothing. Tricks of the eye? Ugh...I wish my stomach was flatter. Are my tits perky enough? Am I enough? To deserve love today? To deserve approval? To deserve recognition?

 

Well, It’s time to turn this thought loop AROUND. As women, we have collectively been spinning in it for what feels like eons. We have wrapped doubt and judgement into our core so densely, that it became our truth. I have had enough. Enough of it in myself. Enough of seeing it in every single client. Every beautiful woman looking back at me thinking they need to look or act a certain way in order to be worthy of love, praise, and affection.

 

We need to create a new truth. For ourselves. For our daughters and our granddaughters. We don’t want to pass down this outdated, painful way of relating to ourselves. It wastes time. It’s so distracting. Our daughters and granddaughters will be coming here on missions with bigger purpose than we could even dream up. So we must clear some of our baggage so they may have a lighter load than us. So that our pain doesn't drag them down. 

New paradigms do not simply come out of nowhere. They come from contrast. And they must be forged. Out of this contrast of our culture of judgement and doubt, will be born a new reality where we love ourselves without condition.

 

How do we do this? We watch the old story play itself out in our minds every time we look in the mirror, every time we look down at our soft stomachs wishing they were different, every time we catch ourselves wishing part of ourselves away. We stop in these moments to feel what we are doing to ourselves. To notice how fucking mean we are. To ourselves. And we breathe the deepest apology into the core of our being. And then we create a new vision, a new story of the way we wish to relate to ourselves. A new truth. And we hold it in our hearts and minds every time we come up against the old reality. To remind ourselves what is true.

 

My new truth is that I am valuable no matter what. That I am enough. Always. Without effort. Without proving myself. That my enough-ness is inherent. The truth is that there is nothing (NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING) I can or cannot do to make me unworthy of my own love and acceptance. My new truth is that I don’t need to control how much I share of myself into to be loved. That I can be naturally, fully self expressed me, and know that it is the most beautiful thing I can be. That I can take an exhale, that I can relax into being, and I will be received. My truth is that I am lovable. My truth is that who I am is beautiful.  That my body is beautiful simply because it is carrying my spirit with such grace. I have decided to be a friend to myself. To relax into acceptance. To stop waiting for joy. To worship my body.

 

It’s time to love myself

It's time to love yourself.

 

If you are ready to create a new relationship with yourself, I want to help you. I have space for 2 new Self Love School students in October. Reach out to book a free discovery session to see if this 6 week program is for you.

I love you. You are perfect.

Katrina

Equinox Musings: Finding Equalibrium

[Thanks to Kendell for this photo]


Equinox is when the sun is hitting Earth in perfect balance on the equator. Equal parts light and equal parts dark. Equal day and equal night. 

We are lunar/celestial beings who are constantly being pulled by these forces based on the fact that we. are. matter. YES YES YES, we are spirit. But there is no denying our humanity. Our human-ness. 

This time leading up to equinox has been a huge reminder to me that I am both human and spirit. I have put a lot of effort on trying to keep the ‘human-ness’ at bay. I forget that I have needs and limitations inside of this physical realm. I know a plant needs water and light, but I forget that I, too, have needs. Regular maintenance needs.

I put these last.

They get big enough that they begin to cry out louder, becoming spiritual problems. Ones that I can't avoid. Questioning my purpose, doubting my capability. When, in reality, it is my human-ness asking me to slow down, to take a break. Simple. But I ignore my own pleas until they become an existential crisis.

Sometimes I forget what my care instructions even are. They morph and they change-- yes. But they most certainly still exist. I like to pretend they don’t matter. That I am beyond these things. These creature comforts. So I plow through. Until my body trembles to a halt. All of a sudden giving up. Crying over lost keys. Overwhelmed by the future. Uncertain of everything. Stopped. To a halt.

Stopped until I remember to find the latest care instructions. To sit down. Not just to calm myself down to fall asleep. But to calm myself down to actually listen. To open myself to accept a new set of care instructions.  I must remember that sitting and watching and listening and calming myself is the only way. There are no short cuts. That I must stop to listen to the answers. To let go of my pride and my idea of what I should need, of what I should want, and to just listen. To listen to what I want right now. Because we change. I change. And I am endlessly thankful for that. And here is the trick: the changing and the growing needs to be balanced with listening. You don’t get to listen once and then know what to do forever. You need to pay attention to yourself, on the regular. I need to pay attention to myself. On the regular. The world isn’t ending. You are still valuable. You just need to listen again.

It’s a new journey back to the same place. To self love.

I invite you to join me.

To balance the changing with listening.

To remember to listen.

To receive the new set of care instructions.

 

All my love,

Katrina Marie


Sitting down to listen (aka MEDITATING) can be tough. Not physically, but for some reason, we resist it. Having guidance can help big time.

If you are in the Hamilton area, check out Zee Float for pay what you can meditation Monday-Thursday. 

Tara Brach is an incredible meditation teacher who has tons of free recorded meditations found here.

Find a community of other people who are seeking mindfulness + self reflection. Having a yoga community has been my life line ever since I was a teenager. I welcome you to join mine over here. Your first class is free.

 

A Call for Loving Kindness

The news brings me down. So I often look away. But I know that when I have the courage to look at what is real, to soak in the information, it becomes much easier to know what to do next. 

 

So probably, just like you, I have seen the images of angry white men with torches. My heart pounded in panic as I watched a white supremacist drive his car into a crowd at full speed, inuring many, killing one.  I feel heavy and sad that such hate still exists. Scared that this hate feels so justified that it marches proudly in public.

 

I realize as a white woman, that I am not going to say this perfectly. Part of me just wants to do nothing. To say nothing. Because I am sure there is an angle I haven’t considered. And I don’t want to cause further hurt.  But it seems even more hurtful to say nothing. So here is my imperfect and well intentioned go at it.

 

When I hold the feeling of those angry white men in my heart, I feel a lot of pain. A lot of hurt. I see small children who have been taught hate. Steeped in it until they feel righteous screaming it out. Steeped in hate until they know it as truth. Thoughts they have been fed until they became beliefs. I think of the pain they must feel. The disconnect. And I know that more hate is not the answer.

 

Yes, they are in a position of power in the physical world. And they are abusing it by hurting others. Really hurting others. Being complete bullies. It’s not right and it’s not fair.

 

What I also see is that this “power” they have is shallow. A power that depends on control to get one’s way. An empty shell of power.

 

What I have come to see is that the real power is seeing through the violence and hate of those men, and remembering who they really are. To look them in the eye. To try to understand how they could come to this place. To find forgiveness, to love them. To take the energetic high ground. Because we are the parents in this position. Watching a group of angry toddlers throwing the biggest, most desperate tantrum you’ve ever seen.

 

We actually have the power. The power of understanding. Understanding they are spouting fear, pain, and insecurity. We must remember the power of non-reactivity. To stand in what is true. To not cower away in fear. To try to pierce their shell of hate and anger with LOVE. To offer up forgiveness. To give them a taste of unconditional love.

 

 

(I realize this is way easier for me to do as a white woman from afar. I have no idea the strength and bravery required to remain level headed when your physical safety is being threatened.)

 

But what I do know is that I want to gather.

To gather as light workers.

To feel.

To offer up love to those hardest to love.

To search for compassion. For understanding.

To offer up strength and healing to those dealing with this hate face to face.

To release the need to right the wrong. To lay down our judgements.

To remember we are all in this together. Every single one.

To forgive. To allow space for unity.

To offer up our spiritual gifts wherever they are needed.

To feel into what is required of us to spread peace.

To cover this globe with our visions of peace.

To cover EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. 

With love.

 

You are invited to a metta [loving kindness] movement + meditation. 

There is space for us all. All levels. No previous experience required.

 

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Please bring:

A token of peace with you for the altar.

(A single flower, a leaf, a candle, a crystal, anything at all of meaning to you)

Together we will create beauty, and bring home a reminder of peace, charged with all of our good vibrations.

 

Lightworkers: you are invited to contribute your healing modalities to the evening.

Contact me if you would like to contribute.

 

With all my love,

Katrina

 

'Compassion and love are not mere luxuries. 
As the source both of inner and external peace, 
they are fundamental to the continued survival of our species.'
- His Holiness the XIV Dalai Lama

 

“To reteach a thing its loveliness is the nature of metta. Through lovingkindness, everyone & everything can flower again from within.”  - Sharon Salzberg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Full Moon Musings: Release the Need to Succeed

Full moons are the time to release what is no longer serving you.

 

Well, well, well… I have been receiving many little (and some not so little) signs leading up to this full moon as to what those things might be.

 

And this is the shit I am letting go of (maybe you need to let go of it, too):

 

Being ‘successful’.

Trying hard.

Forcing things.

Getting all the things done.

Self-obsession.

Perfect eating.

Perfect planning.

Perfect outfits.

Perfect feelings.

 

Remembering that every good thing I have ever been given is a gift from God/ess/My Higher Self/ Universe.

 

Remember that force gets me nothing I truly want.

 

Remembering that what I want wants me. That I don't need to force it to come close to me.

 

Remembering that my joy/bliss/flow/ease are what makes me successful.

Remembering that this is what I am being asked to choose in every moment.

 

Remembering that holy smokes I am in a system that has been rigged in my total favour and all I need to do is sit back and relish in gratitude that I don’t have to have it all figured out. That I just have to follow what brings me joy, and trust that it will work out.

 

Remembering to get out of my microcosmic self-involved universe. A world full of self-imposed limits I didn’t even know I created. A made up world full of calculated predictions. A world that requires my control to architect the most perfect version of happy. A happy that always feels a little bit empty and a whole lot exhausted.

 

Remembering to trust. Remembering to go for it. To give up control and surrender into the macrocosmic flow of divine alignment.

 

Remembering to trust the wisdom in my body.

Remembering that controlling/depriving/judging it is not the way to understand and decode its messages.

Remembering to love and accept ALL of myself.

 

Affirmations:

I let go of control.

I am completely taken care of.

Everything is happening for me in perfect timing. 

The more I love myself, the more I align myself.

 

Happy full moon, beautiful people. Lots of love,

Katrina

New Moon Musings: Raise Your Standards

It’s Time to Raise Your Standards

 

Why is it that raising standards can feel so arduous, such a drawn out struggle? You know what you want, but you keep settling for the same shit over and over again. Maybe you have gotten sick of it, sick of the pattern, sick of yourself. Maybe even to the point that you have given up on wanted something more. Maybe you have settled into a dispassionate and comfortable groove of mediocrity... a.k.a. settling. 

 

We stay in less-than-ideal situations because in the moment it feels easier to deal, or compromise, or get it over with, than it is to make a fuss. We feel guilty for wanting more, wanting something else. Feeling like our desires are selfish, that we are ungrateful for what we have been given. So we make due. This behaviour of settling is as old as the sun, a force that feels as firm as gravity. It takes major oomph to push in the other direction. So this is your little reminder that......

HELLOOOOOO YOU ARE WORTH IT AND YOU CAN DO IT AND ITS TIME TO GET OUT OF THE SHITTY PILE OF SHIT YOU HAVE TOLERATED FOR TOO LONG AND YEAH YOU'VE DECORATED IT TO LOOK PRETTY BUT ITS STILL A PILE OF SHIT AND REMEMBER YOU HAVE LEGS SO ITS TIME TO GET UP AND GOOOOO OKAY!??

 

Stop doubting yourself. You are the only thing holding you back. If you want something to be different, than you deserve it to be so. It does not mean that you are not grateful. It does not mean that you are selfish. It does not mean that you are an insatiable, greedy, bitch. Nope, nope, nope. Trust yourself. Your desire is wise. It is older than you know. It is your intuition nudging you along a path that sometimes haspretty poor visibility. So take the next step. You are being guided for a reason. You are being asked to stand up for yourself in big ways. To defend that little voice like it matters. Because it does.

 

Love yourself. Honor yourself. Stand up for yourself.   

Happy New Moon

xo

Katrina

Full Moon Musings: Hear Me Roar

HEAR ME ROAR: Why Accessing Anger is Important

 

When was the last time you were furious? Felt it vibrating in your cells? When was the last time you expressed this anger outwardly?

 

For a very long time, I thought that anger just wasn’t in me. Sure, I felt frustrated and resentful and all that fun stuff, but that barely scratched the surface of what was really asking to be felt. Resentment and frustration usually turned into gossip because I was scared of the real anger, of the confrontation, of standing up for myself, of being (worst of all) wrong. So I chose the softer, more cowardly, and certainly less satisfying version. FYI, I’m pretty sure this watered down version of anger (resentment, complaining, gossip) is basically poison for your psyche and your body.

 

My beautiful friend and energy worker, Pearl, taught me that resentment is a more feminine attribute and anger more masculine, so it is no wonder that two very wise and loving men have helped teach me these lessons. To help bring my ultra feminine into balance.

 

My previous partner, Alex, called me out on gossip probably 3 years ago (which is brutal, by the way). It's not fun being called out like that, but it also is not fun calling people out like that. So take a moment to appreciate the truth speakers in your life. The ones who care about your long term joy more than they care about being liked by you in that moment. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Anyway, he helped me stop hiding behind gossip and have conversations with the RIGHT people. Those were both terrifying and liberating times. The conversations were humble, admitting fear, admitting shame, and coming clear about how I really felt.

The tricky thing about gossip is that it is addictive. It provides instant relief. It’s too bad that relief is also a trick, because it doesn’t solve anything. Instead it splashes your pain onto other people, asking them to agree with your suffering. Asking them to see people the same dark way you do. Why do we do this? Because we are scared. We want more people on our team. Maybe if there are enough people feeling how I feel in a loud enough way, then I will never have to say anything to the actual person. If the collective resentment is big enough, maybe the offender will give up without a fight. Oi Oi Oi, it’s a terrible cycle, and breaking it takes work. (note: If you need a coach in this matter, look no further than Alex, he's best in the world at helping people have the hard conversations in an empowered, graceful way. Reach out if you want me to connect you.)

 

It is worth it, trust me. I have been gossip free for a few years now, and it has been life changing to stop feeding such an energy sucking, perpetual distraction of an addiction. And know that, yup, just like any addiction, it is a process to kick it. So be patient with yourself <3 

 

So now that I have stopped hiding my resentment in gossip, the anger is beginning to bubble up again. Which is actually a really good thing. We are human and feeling the full range of feels is kind of an emotional vital sign. Don’t remember the last time you cried? Got angry? It is still there, under the surface, asking to be felt. Maybe it is asking in little ways, maybe really loud ways. Either way, it’s coming out or it will make you sick. Needless to say, I was kind of excited to feel angry again. It's a powerful and cathartic feeling to let it move through you.

 

Probably like a lot of you reading this, I was never exposed to healthy expressions of anger growing up. Other people’s anger made me (let’s be real and still does make me) uncomfortable. I have danced around angry people trying to control the environment to avoid setting them off. Can you relate? Lots of work. Lots of living to try to control the future, too scared to be in the present. And these patterns of protecting myself served me as a child. They did. They kept me physically safe. But as an adult, they are not. Avoiding anger keeps me from having to take a real stand. It keeps me from having to deal with my lack of confidence. It keeps me from being close to the people involved. It asks me to act okay. It robs the people I am angry at from a chance to grow. From a change to know the real me. 

 

Anger is a GIFT. You see, those things that you don’t think are fair? The things that make your blood boil and your skin crawl? They matter. Your feelings are not only valid, they are valuable information. Change cannot happen until you speak the truth of your anger.

 

The things you are angry about are also major clues to what you came here for. To your purpose. Your mission. We didn’t come here to maintain the status quo. There is a time for peace keeping, and there is a time to ROAR. Swallowing back your feelings is poisoning you. The world is getting sicker while many of us stand by cowering and scared. And yo see, it isn’t just your anger that you have swallowed. It is your mother’s and your grandmothers and your great grandmothers. Their build up, unexpressed anger was born in you. There are strong women inside of you with stiff upper lips, who have worked their entire life to keep their mouth shut. They are asking to come out. Your voice and your anger are powerful tools of change.

 

This is why it is so important to share our stories. So we can begin to see the thread that joins them all. So that we can gain perspective. So that we know we are not alone. So that when we are challenged with needing to take up space and speak up that what is happening in front of us is not ok, there is a pack of women behind you in your mind. So that when you stand up for yourself, you are standing up for us all.

 

Speak the truth, do not hold anything back. Share your real feelings with people who love you. Tell them they don’t need to say anything. No need to make it better. Just to listen.

 

More on the second lesson of anger later (a little how to guide on having the actual conversation, writing the actual letter, etc. etc.) Right now just notice what is what is there. Notice where gossip has crept in. Notice the balance of resentment and anger in your emotional landscape. Put your thoughts into words... share them with a dear friend, a journal, or if you are interested, come to our next women’s circle. A safe space to feel, share, listen, and empower each other. Contact me for details. You are not alone. There is support and community waiting for you.

 

Be brave, speak the truth. Happy full moon. Howl. Roar. Be heard

Full Moon Musings: Your Freedom is Worth It

Full Moon in Sagittarius

I have been challenged lately to stand up for what I want.

The thing that almost always stops me is other people’s upset.

I am so afraid of people being mad at me for changing my mind. For wanting to move on. So afraid to say ‘no’.

Afraid of their anger, the conflict, the difficult conversation.

 

For some reason this is the hardest lesson for me. Perhaps you have been struggling to learn it, too. Said a different way: these words are for me, and perhaps they can be useful for you, too.

 

Trying to remember that I am doing the right thing when the people around me are hurt by my honesty. The honouring of myself turning into the hurting of others seems like a really cruel joke. It can’t possibly be right that what I want equals other people’s upset. So I must be wrong. Riiight?? Ok. Yup. No problem, I guess I must have been wrong about what I really want. I don’t want to hurt people, so no problem, no problem at all then. I will just make it work. I will figure it out. I will find a more convenient thing to want.

 

Well enough of that noise.

 

It is time to follow the longing of your soul.

Your peace-keeping is keeping you small.

Yes, you are a peace keeper,

but you cannot forget that you are here on a mission

first, and foremost.

You are the lone warrior and defender of your dreams.

You are the only thing holding you back.

Your freedom is more important than their upset.

Your purpose is bigger than their offense.

 

Onward.

You can do it.

Say it with love.
Own up to what you could have done better.

Learn the lesson.

They will forgive. (in this lifetime, or the next)

Their upset is not your problem.

It is time to be true to you.

To do what you know you need to do.

 

Full moon courage being sent your way.

 

Love,

Katrina

 

 

 

New Moon Musings: The Dark Realness

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New Moon

in Gemini

 

I have been in quite the rut lately.

I don’t feel like doing anything.

I wonder if I am depressed.

I feel frustrated with myself for feeling so unduly unimpressed with my amazing life… aka feeling like a spoiled, ungrateful, grumpy and somehow *also* ridiculously stubborn B.R.A.T. Ugh… feelng pretty sick of myself, you know what I mean?

 

I started fighting pretty clean…. trying different kundalini kriyas feeling like a fool, forcing out my morning meditations, sipping the greenest green juice… to no avail. Then I thought, this is what I always do, maybe I need to give my inner child a go at it. So I ate oreos by the sleeve, and restarted my netflix account and binge watched entire seasons. I drive all over trying to feel better in a new place only to find myself stuck with same old me and my shitty attitude. I even bought myself new shiny things. To no avail. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? A deep, dark funk.

 

That’s the kind of cool thing about feeling lousy. Nobody is exempt, which is weird because it might be the loneliest feeling. My chiropractor asked me if I had fun on the long weekend, and I just stared blankly, because I didn’t have the heart to say “I did nothing, I felt pretty depressed.” Because I don’t want to put my shit on other people. Because I don’t want to watch them scramble to try to say something to make me feel better. So I just stay quiet. Or I lie. Welp. This means other people are doing this, too. Maybe you are doing that right. Silently feeling shitty by yourself, not knowing how to deal with it yourself, and maybe not wanting to put any more attention on it.

 

In a tremendously diverse world of opinions and beliefs, the one thing we are all trying to do is be happy and feel good. So this is my way of connecting to you, to everybody. To expose my weakness and my struggle, even when I feel like I don’t have very eloquent words to describe it, or any ground breaking, earth shattering solutions to offer.

 

One thing I have learned over the last week or so of this darkness is that I am really hard on myself. I know, I know… YAWN. Same old, same old. Always forgetting, always remembering. At any rate, I realized I have developed this insane standard for myself; that every word I write has to be incredible, resonant, original content that moves people. How exhausting. A flower cannot bloom all year. Neither can I. It’s time to go inward and take care of myself. T write for ME. To move ME. In messy ways, without a care if it helps other people, or if it sounds good. The magical thing is that when I do this for myself, when I care for the microcosm, it WILL reflect back into the macrocosm. It’s a genius system that sometimes escapes my current strategy. Trying to change the outside, pouring all my attention into the macrocosm, leaving little for myself.

 

It always comes back to the same thing. My work is the only work. When my attention drifts to needing approval or resonance from others, I quickly run dry and feel isolated.

When I am transparent, I feel known. And yeah, I’m normal. I get depressed. I eat chips and cream cheese for dinner. I try to buy myself things to feel better.

 

So whatever. I’m letting go of my attachment to being this constantly dialed in, connected writer of perpetual wisdom. Whew. It feels good to just put that one down. And I know, that is a ridiculous thing to expect of myself. I can see that now that it is staring back at me on my computer screen. Going forward, I am just going to serve up whatever is there. To get it off my chest where I can see it a little bit clearer. For me. And if it helps you too, bonus.

 

I was watching this Frida Kahlo documentary the other night scouring youtube for a hit of inspiration. And something did hit me, although it was a little bit sad. Her art, which I love so much, went mostly ignored while she was alive. That’s nuts! And she didn’t seem to give a fuck (from what I could tell). She made art for herself. 

I paint my own reality. The only thing I know is that I paint because I need to, and I paint whatever passes through my head without any other consideration.
— Frida Kahlo

I want to do the same. Because, who knows, maybe my art/writing/whatever is not meant to resonate with others right now. I have to stay honest, and stop caring about how it lands. Which is pretty difficult to do, I might add. In a land of instagram likes and analytics telling me how many people will read this very thing you are reading right now, the response is very, very, almost painstakingly shoved in my face. It is the ugly neon sign in front of the art, telling you whether it is worthy of being viewed or not, based on how liked it already is by others.

 

Time to adjust my focus. To release the attachment to being well received, understood, or celebrated, and just mind my own damn business. Take care of myself for me. Stop caring about how it looks or sounds. Did it help me? Because otherwise I am just doing the whole trying to look good thing again, in more spiritual clothes. Yuck.

 

This new moon I dive into the realness and honesty. I will not wait until I have happy things to say to share myself with others. Hear I am, raw and real.