Love is a choice. Have you heard this before? It used to irk me. Didn’t sound appealing at ALL. Sounded like suffering. I thought it meant you had to override your feelings. I tried that for a while. It felt awful. What I didn’t understand is that feelings are unstable. Even volatile, if you are scared of them or are making them wrong. I put so much weight on my feelings. I would react to my feelings and I let them completely toss me around. I would keep them hidden because I was scared they were true. The whole thing was exhausting.
I didn’t realize that is totally fine to have terrible feelings about myself, my partner, and our relationship. It is important not to take your feelings too seriously. In fact, it is good to laugh at them. They are going to come and go and quite often are not based in the present reality. Instead, focus on your THOUGHTS. These things we have control over. And your thoughts inform your feelings. Stop and choose a positive thought. Any thought that you can believe that is better than the one that is currently occupying your mind will do. Repeat that, reaching for better and better thoughts every time. Before you know it, you will be feeling WAY better.
Below is an example of one of my clients' frequent problems, but the same principle can be applied to any negative feelings.
For example, you aren’t feeling sexually attracted to your partner, and you feel gutted because you think this might mean you aren’t meant to be together. You believe this thought, and so you keep thinking it, turning it over in your mind. You hold off sharing these feelings with your partner because you are scared about your relationship ending. You spend most of your free time in this thought loop, solidifying the “problem” by the minute. By the time you finally spit out your feelings, you have already established them into a conclusive belief that requires action. Oh, the unnecessary (not to mention, PAINFUL) drama we play out with our partners.
Let me show you how this example can play out differently.
You aren’t feeling sexually attracted to your partner, and you feel gutted because you think this might mean you aren’t meant to be together.
You journal the feeling out.
Is this true?
Maybe it feels true. Okay.
You reach for a better feeling thought that is still 100% believable.
I am not attracted to my partner right now, but this might not be permanent.
Ok, great. Again, what feels even better than this?
I have been not attracted before, and then felt attracted again. This is probably a temporary feeling.
Amazing. Again, what feels even better than that last one?
My attraction changes, nothing is wrong, I can stay relaxed, and wait for attraction to reappear.
Yes, yes, yes. Okay, once more. What feels even better Than this?
I am so grateful to a have a loving partner. I am grateful for all the amazing connections and moments we have had together. I am excited to see what this looks like next. I am not supposed to be sexually attracted 100% of the time. Everything is happening perfectly. I appreciate what is here for me right now.
Bravo, you have successfully turned your thoughts around. You can now stay calm, and watch what is going on objectively.
This is just ONE example of turning your thoughts around (and subsequently, redirecting your feelings). If you are stuck in a deep belief that is freaking you out, and you are not sure if it is true, please reach out for a free discovery call. Helping people find clarity in their relationships is one of my greatest joys.
Remember, a belief is a thought you keep thinking. Watch those thoughts, and re-direct!
Lots of love,