HEAR ME ROAR: Why Accessing Anger is Important
When was the last time you were furious? Felt it vibrating in your cells? When was the last time you expressed this anger outwardly?
For a very long time, I thought that anger just wasn’t in me. Sure, I felt frustrated and resentful and all that fun stuff, but that barely scratched the surface of what was really asking to be felt. Resentment and frustration usually turned into gossip because I was scared of the real anger, of the confrontation, of standing up for myself, of being (worst of all) wrong. So I chose the softer, more cowardly, and certainly less satisfying version. FYI, I’m pretty sure this watered down version of anger (resentment, complaining, gossip) is basically poison for your psyche and your body.
My beautiful friend and energy worker, Pearl, taught me that resentment is a more feminine attribute and anger more masculine, so it is no wonder that two very wise and loving men have helped teach me these lessons. To help bring my ultra feminine into balance.
My previous partner, Alex, called me out on gossip probably 3 years ago (which is brutal, by the way). It's not fun being called out like that, but it also is not fun calling people out like that. So take a moment to appreciate the truth speakers in your life. The ones who care about your long term joy more than they care about being liked by you in that moment. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Anyway, he helped me stop hiding behind gossip and have conversations with the RIGHT people. Those were both terrifying and liberating times. The conversations were humble, admitting fear, admitting shame, and coming clear about how I really felt.
The tricky thing about gossip is that it is addictive. It provides instant relief. It’s too bad that relief is also a trick, because it doesn’t solve anything. Instead it splashes your pain onto other people, asking them to agree with your suffering. Asking them to see people the same dark way you do. Why do we do this? Because we are scared. We want more people on our team. Maybe if there are enough people feeling how I feel in a loud enough way, then I will never have to say anything to the actual person. If the collective resentment is big enough, maybe the offender will give up without a fight. Oi Oi Oi, it’s a terrible cycle, and breaking it takes work. (note: If you need a coach in this matter, look no further than Alex, he's best in the world at helping people have the hard conversations in an empowered, graceful way. Reach out if you want me to connect you.)
It is worth it, trust me. I have been gossip free for a few years now, and it has been life changing to stop feeding such an energy sucking, perpetual distraction of an addiction. And know that, yup, just like any addiction, it is a process to kick it. So be patient with yourself <3
So now that I have stopped hiding my resentment in gossip, the anger is beginning to bubble up again. Which is actually a really good thing. We are human and feeling the full range of feels is kind of an emotional vital sign. Don’t remember the last time you cried? Got angry? It is still there, under the surface, asking to be felt. Maybe it is asking in little ways, maybe really loud ways. Either way, it’s coming out or it will make you sick. Needless to say, I was kind of excited to feel angry again. It's a powerful and cathartic feeling to let it move through you.
Probably like a lot of you reading this, I was never exposed to healthy expressions of anger growing up. Other people’s anger made me (let’s be real and still does make me) uncomfortable. I have danced around angry people trying to control the environment to avoid setting them off. Can you relate? Lots of work. Lots of living to try to control the future, too scared to be in the present. And these patterns of protecting myself served me as a child. They did. They kept me physically safe. But as an adult, they are not. Avoiding anger keeps me from having to take a real stand. It keeps me from having to deal with my lack of confidence. It keeps me from being close to the people involved. It asks me to act okay. It robs the people I am angry at from a chance to grow. From a change to know the real me.
Anger is a GIFT. You see, those things that you don’t think are fair? The things that make your blood boil and your skin crawl? They matter. Your feelings are not only valid, they are valuable information. Change cannot happen until you speak the truth of your anger.
The things you are angry about are also major clues to what you came here for. To your purpose. Your mission. We didn’t come here to maintain the status quo. There is a time for peace keeping, and there is a time to ROAR. Swallowing back your feelings is poisoning you. The world is getting sicker while many of us stand by cowering and scared. And yo see, it isn’t just your anger that you have swallowed. It is your mother’s and your grandmothers and your great grandmothers. Their build up, unexpressed anger was born in you. There are strong women inside of you with stiff upper lips, who have worked their entire life to keep their mouth shut. They are asking to come out. Your voice and your anger are powerful tools of change.
This is why it is so important to share our stories. So we can begin to see the thread that joins them all. So that we can gain perspective. So that we know we are not alone. So that when we are challenged with needing to take up space and speak up that what is happening in front of us is not ok, there is a pack of women behind you in your mind. So that when you stand up for yourself, you are standing up for us all.
Speak the truth, do not hold anything back. Share your real feelings with people who love you. Tell them they don’t need to say anything. No need to make it better. Just to listen.
More on the second lesson of anger later (a little how to guide on having the actual conversation, writing the actual letter, etc. etc.) Right now just notice what is what is there. Notice where gossip has crept in. Notice the balance of resentment and anger in your emotional landscape. Put your thoughts into words... share them with a dear friend, a journal, or if you are interested, come to our next women’s circle. A safe space to feel, share, listen, and empower each other. Contact me for details. You are not alone. There is support and community waiting for you.
Be brave, speak the truth. Happy full moon. Howl. Roar. Be heard