I have been holding on so tight.
I have forgotten that I have everything I need.
I can relax.
Relaxation is my joy.
And my joy is my genius, my gift to the world.
I can stop trying so hard.
I can stop relentlessly striving for better,
and decide I am enough right now.
It’s insane how provided for I am.
It’s even crazier how quickly I forget that.
Thank you for the provisions.
Thank you for the blessings.
Thank you for the challenges.
Thank you for the sobering anxiety.
Reminding me that there is no bad.
That it is my resistance, the drama, the story around “the bad” that makes it so painful.
A rejection of who I am.
I am learning to accept myself when I am an irrational mess of emotions.
I am learning to stop apologizing for grieving the death of the old versions of myself.
Learning to stop apologizing for the messiness of rebirthing.
I am strong enough to let old emotions [some of them not even my own] go.
Learning to let them move through me so that they are no longer taking up space in my head.
I promise to start praising myself for these releases.
I promise to stop making them bad.
They are my growth.
They are the old me shedding like a snake.
I should be reveling in my own resilience.
Yet here I am, sad that it made a mess.
Like a frustrated mom, yelling at her kids for making a mess of the playroom.
Dear Lord, I will spend my whole life mad at myself for not holding it together, when really
I CAME HERE TO SHED. AND IT’S GOING TO BE MESSY SOMETIMES.
So, I may as well start seeing it as a good thing.
I can release the drama. The heaviness.
I can sit back, breathe and marvel at this out of body intuitive process my soul knows so well.
A remembering. A ritual. A dance of release.
One that cannot be predicted or controlled.
I’m afraid of being judged. Of embarrassing myself.
And that fear is causing me much greater pain.
I’m keeping myself in a cage.
Choosing isolation and shame over ease and freedom.
Not willing to risk of rejection.
This is the tough bit.
It seems my default setting is self oppression.
I must remind myself daily.
I am safe to be loudly, freely me,
and it will all be ok.
When I forget this, it gets dark quickly.
Trying to micromanage myself.
All in my head.
Not in the flow.
Must strategize to get what is mine.
Nothing works out.
Everything seems shitty,
And then that feels so very permanent.
And then you see everyone else walking around like zombies, just like you and you wonder…
Oh fuck me shit shit shit.
This is just the way it is.
And all you see is darkness everywhere.
And then you feel very, very far away from believing there is a world of perfect flow where everything you want is downstream.
And you are 100% sure that you are most certainly NOT in that world.
And then something shifts.
It gets really bad. You pop. You loose it.
The smoke clears, and there you are again.
In a world where you remember that writing helps.
In a world where you remember that yoga helps.
That breathing and singing and laughing help.
That you are blessed beyond belief.
Oh yeah. Where was I?
What a wild world of contrasts.
Of temporary mother fucking contrasts disguised as the world’s most permanent conditions.
Whichever way you are viewing the world now, I am sending you love. I am sending you ease on the path to inevitable change.
Just know, that not one single person is immune to the darkness. Nope. Not one.
You are never alone. You are in good company.
Tell people how you really feel.
You might be surprised at how much that helps.
The people in your life are not there by accident.
They want to help you.
You are loved.
I love you.
We are here to help each other.
And in order to help each other, we need to be honest about not only our joys, but also our struggles.
I hope my struggles help you, even just a tiny bit.
Remember, we are all just walking each other home.